


You can't outrun fate

by ToTheStarsWriting



Series: New Albion [3]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: A little, Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alec is kind of a disaster, BAMF Alec Lightwood, BAMF Magnus Bane, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flirting, Fluff and Angst, Gay Disaster Alec Lightwood, Hurt Alec, Magnus Bane Deserves Nice Things, Poor Alec, Secrets, Things are different, are never good, but only like, season 1 AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-15
Updated: 2021-01-24
Packaged: 2021-03-13 04:00:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 20,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28771995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToTheStarsWriting/pseuds/ToTheStarsWriting
Summary: Fate is tired of Alec putting things off and ignoring what needs to be done. If he's not going to accept his place and what needs to happen, then fate will arrange it for him.Afterward, things are never going to be the same again.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, pre - Relationship
Series: New Albion [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1837090
Comments: 38
Kudos: 191





	1. Chapter 1

From the very first moment Clary Fairchild came into their life, it was like something had happened to Jace. He became someone different than Alec had known these past years. He followed after her, listening to her over all others, doing things with her that he knew were dangerous or wrong. Yet, he didn't seem to care. Not if _Clary_ was the one to suggest it. He even ignored Alec, like the word of his brother, his _parabatai_ , meant little compared to her.

It reminded Alec of when Gwaine had first become one of the Knights. The sheer joy he’d showed in being someone important after so long being considered lesser. Before that, he'd scorned the Knights in some ways. Likely due in part to what his father had been through and the things he'd seen on his travels. But… a part of Gwaine had always wanted to be one of them. He’d just wanted to earn it on his own merit. Not just for the sake of his name. Once he got that, it was like he'd been someone else entirely for a little while. He'd fallen into being a Knight with a fervor that, well, had been understandable. And in time, he'd relaxed a little and come back to himself.

Alec wasn't sure if he had the patience to wait this time around for Jace to pull his head out of his ass and start seeing the real world again. Maybe Clary made him feel important, maybe he felt the connection between Knights and was just responding to that, or maybe he was just a guy who got briefly caught up in a pretty girl who needed his help. Alec had no idea. What he did know was that he was getting tired of being dragged around on Clary's crusade without any care for who might get hurt or in trouble along the way. Even Isabelle seemed caught up in it. It was like his siblings had forgotten how to think.

They knew Alec was the Acting Head – and in some ways, he worried that this was spurred by that, by their belief that he'd be able to get them out of any trouble they got into – but they seemed to have forgotten what that really, truly meant. They didn't seem to remember that he was the one that had to justify everything they did to the Clave. He was the one who was going to have to deal with the paperwork, the inquisitions about their actions. He was the one who would take the punishment for whatever they ended up doing wrong.

Alec tried to tell himself that was the only reason he was upset. He tried to convince himself that he was only angry because of their blatant disregard for his words and his authority, as well as the potential ramifications of their actions.

With as caught up in Clary as Jace was, it was honestly surprising when Jace was the one to call him out on it.

He cornered Alec in his office while Clary and Isabelle were off getting dressed for their meeting with Magnus. Leaving the two to their own devices, Alec was busy doing his damndest to get everything squared away and approved before they left so that maybe, hopefully, they might be able to get out of this without getting in too much trouble.

He didn't even bother looking up when Jace came into the office. He knew who it was. Jace and Isabelle were the only two that came in without knocking.

The sound of the door shutting behind Jace was a surprise, though. He usually just strolled in, said what he wanted, or dropped down into a chair to relax. Alec was the one to normally go over and shut the door if he wanted things to stay private. Which he usually did.

Alec deliberately kept his eyes down on his paperwork as he listened to Jace come closer. He knew it was petty to avoid looking at him. But he wasn't in the mood to see whatever was on Jace's expression this time. Would it be annoyance at Alec being such a bore that he was doing paperwork before their mission? Was he going to try another round of 'Clary is right and you should listen' like _Alec_ was the one being ridiculous? _Angel, I hope not_. There was only so much of that Alec could take.

Caught up in those thoughts, it was a surprise when Jace – who had sunk down into the chair on the other side of the desk – quietly asked him, "Are you okay with this, Alec?"

Alec looked up, eyebrows going up toward his hairline. That hadn't been what he'd expected to hear at all. He also didn't expect to see Jace watching him with such a soft, worried look on his face. His brows were drawn down, a little furrow showing between them, and his lips were pressed together. Everything about him screamed _worry_.

It tempered some of Alec's bitterness. At least a little. His tone held a bit less bite to it when he finally answered, though he couldn't take the sharp edge away completely. "Does it matter?"

To his credit, Jace winced a bit at that. He quickly straightened back up, though. He'd always been the brave one. "You don't have to come with us. The three of us can go and make the deal with him to get her memories back."

In his own backhanded way, Jace was trying to offer Alec an out. A way to avoid having to go and do the one thing they both knew he didn't want to. He wasn't coming right out and saying it. He knew Alec far too well for that. But they both knew why he was making this offer.

Some of those jagged pieces in their bond smoothed over a little at that small offer of kindness. It was a subtle reminder that, yes, Jace may not have been thinking clearly around Clary, but he hadn't forgotten his parabatai completely.

Alec let some of the tension bleed out of his shoulders. He lowered his brows down, and though his look wasn't quite friendly, it was gentler than before. "And leave you guys to do Raziel-knows-what without me?" He snorted, and one corner of his mouth twitched in a faint smile. "At least if I'm with you guys, I can do damage control on the scene instead of after the fact."

The small nod that Jace gave made it clear he understood. The worry stayed in his eyes, though.

Seeing it, Alec sighed and set down the pen he was holding. “I’ll be fine, Jace. I can handle seeing him.” Maybe if he told himself that often enough, he might believe it.

As if Alec bringing it up were silent permission, Jace dropped any pretense and spoke bluntly. “I know you wanted to avoid having to see him. We can handle this on our own. We can deal with it, and you can stay here. There’s no shame in it, Alec.”

“I’ll be _fine_.” The last word was sharp enough to silence whatever protest Jace might’ve given next. Alec felt a bit guilty for that when he saw the way Jace snapped his mouth shut. He hadn’t meant to sound like that. With another sigh, this one heavier than the last, Alec sank back in his seat. He fought to keep his voice steady this time around. To not let the frustration, or the fear, color it. “I’ll be fine,” he repeated carefully. “I won’t even have to interact with him. You two can speak with him while Izzy and I play backup.”

That worked to have Jace relaxing at least a little bit. He looked less tense than before. “You’re sure?”

“Yes. It’s the smart plan, anyway. Someone needs to watch your backs. Going out in the open like this is asking for trouble, for all of you.” Not just for them, but for Arth— _Magnus_. If Valentine really was going after warlocks, then pulling Magnus out of hiding to ask him a favor like this was putting him at massive risk.

While Alec might not have wanted to see Magnus directly, it didn’t mean he hadn’t been reading up on the man since he’d discovered who he was. Part of Alec couldn’t quite help himself. He avoided the pictures – they were just too much. But he’d read every drop of information the Clave had on him. And he knew with certainty that if Valentine caught wind of Magnus surfacing, he was going to try and come after him. Rumor put Magnus as one of the most powerful warlocks in the city. According to Catarina, that was a vast understatement.

There was no way Valentine could let a threat like that stand. He was going to want to take Magnus down.

Alec was self-aware enough to acknowledge that it wasn’t just his siblings he was going there to look after tonight.

Jace seemed to realize that. His eyes went wide, and then his expression went soft in that way that only family ever got to see. “I won’t let anyone hurt him, brother.”

Those words were a promise. A vow. One that rang with the same power it had all those centuries ago when it’d come from a different voice, a different body, and yet at his very core, the same man. _“I’ll look after the Princess with my life, Merlin. You have my word.”_

He just hoped that it would be enough. If something happened to the man because they were dragging him out of hiding, if he got hurt because of them, Alec wasn’t sure what he’d do. His magic was already crawling inside of him with the need to go seek out his King and protect him as _he_ had once vowed to do.

Little as Alec wanted to set himself up in this all over again, put himself on a path to play the same painful role over and over, he knew he would do it if it meant keeping Arthur— _Magnus_ —safe. He would give up everything to do it. The Institute, the people here, his family and friends, his life – Alec would walk away from it all if it meant that he didn’t have to once more hold the cooling body of the most important person in his world all because he’d been _too slow_ to keep him safe.

* * *

Alec tried to hide how nervous he felt as they made their way to the club. He was maybe a bit sharper than he might’ve been otherwise, and he might’ve snapped at Clary when he probably shouldn’t have. Though he didn’t feel too bad about that, considering the attitude she copped with him about literally _everything_. But it was enough to bring the worry back into his parabatai bond and for Isabelle to give him worried sideways looks.

It was surprisingly easy to ignore both those things. Especially when they stepped into the club, and Alec felt that buzz in the air. The same buzz he’d felt at Pandemonium.

“He’s here,” Alec murmured to his siblings.

A second later, Clary must’ve spotted him, and she and Jace set off together, leaving Alec and Isabelle to split up and cover their backs.

Alec felt like he was moving on autopilot. His body did what it needed to, going up into the rafters to give himself a better vantage point to watch over them all. His mind, however, was focused on one thing and one thing only. _Magnus_.

Seeing him was so much worse than Alec had thought it would be. He’d thought that he was prepared for it, that he’d be able to look down at the man and keep his composure. He should’ve known better. Nothing could’ve prepared him for what it would feel like to get his first face to face look at his King. What he would feel as he looked down at the dance floor and saw the man who would likely always hold a part of Alec that no one else would ever be able to touch.

There were enough differences between the man Arthur had once been and the gorgeous person currently standing and talking with Jace and Clary. Each body Arthur had been reborn in had been different. The outside wasn’t what mattered – it was always the same soul inside. Though Alec had always found the outside attractive.

Now was no different. Magnus Bane was, in a single word, _stunning_. Beautiful in a way that stole Alec's breath. Dark clothes that fit like a glove and showed off a slender yet fit build. Silver jewelry glinted in the club lights – on his hand, his fingers, his neck, and his ear. He was decked out in an array of silver and jewels that suited him.

Even from a distance, Alec could see the darkness around his eyes, the makeup that gave him a sharper, more dangerous look. One that surprisingly wasn’t softened by the spiked and glittered hair. He was a dichotomy of dark and light, shadow and silver, danger and beauty – deep down inside, Alec _wanted_.

The small reservoir of magic inside of Alec rose up in an aching need to reach out and touch. To wrap this man up in protective magics that would keep him safe.

Because of his magic stretching out like that, Alec was able to sense the person creeping up behind Magnus. As soon as he pinged on it, his eyes snapped away from Magnus and over his shoulder to where someone was creeping up, seraph blade in hand and a circle rune emblazoned on their neck.

It took no thought at all for Alec to notch an arrow and let it fly. Alec didn’t even hesitate before he loosed it. Nor when he added a streak of magic to it. His magic acted of its own accord, responding to that need in Alec to make sure he took the man down.

He barely heard Isabelle shout out: “Get down!” Alec was moving even as the arrow was flying. One leap sent him off the rafter and down to the ground. Then he strode forward and down the stairs, eyes on the downed Circle member. It was so much easier to focus on that body than anything else. Alec moved toward him and crouched down so he could make sure that the man was actually dead. That he was no longer a threat.

Once he felt the man’s neck and knew there was no pulse, it took away the only thing that Alec had been able to use as a distraction. With that gone, he couldn’t quite keep himself from looking up and looking at the man in front of him up close.

He found Magnus already watching him. The man’s eyebrows were up, and there was a faint quirk to the left corner of his mouth in just a ghost of a smile. Like he was pleased with what he was looking at. “Who are _you_?”

Magnus’ voice rolled over Alec like whiskey, warming him even as it burned, pleasure and pain both tied together. Hearing those words never hurt any less. Time and time again, life after life, Alec had heard Arthur say those words to him in a multitude of ways. Though never with this look – never with this face.

Alec used that reminder to push back the hurt as best he could. _He doesn’t know who you are, not like you know him. He’s not trying to hurt you. He honestly doesn’t know you._ It still sparked something in him, though. Maybe a bit of his old, snarky self, the one who had easily traded quips and snark with his King. Or maybe the bitter, aching part of him that had been built of years of being cold and alone.

Whatever it was, Alec found himself answering with a sarcastic, “The guy who just saved your life.”

Magnus’ eyes lit up a little, and Alec thought he saw a faint smile. However, that smile was quickly wiped away when Magnus’ eyes darted back to the dead Circle member. The reminder of what just happened was enough to have Magnus drawing up his walls and retreating. Alec could see as the urge hit, and he knew, he just _knew_ that Magnus was going to run. The portal was still there, after all, waiting for him.

The magic in Alec roared back to life stronger than it had since his return. It tried to reach out, aching to wrap around Magnus and protect him. After all, if Circle members had found him here, what’s to say that they hadn’t found him elsewhere? After all, how did they know he was here at all? They hadn’t followed the shadowhunters there.

Alec barely noticed Clary reaching out and grabbing hold of Magnus. But he _did_ see as Magnus tugged free and went to step into the portal.

He didn’t give himself a second to think. Instinct had Alec darting forward, fingers just barely catching on Magnus’ sleeve. The momentum of his leap and the tug of the arm under his fingers sent Alec tumbling through the portal with him.


	2. Chapter 2

Portal travel had always been a bit disorienting for Alec back before he'd remembered who he was and regained pieces of himself. Now that he had his magic back it was something else entirely. Going through a portal tugged at all the places in him where his magic sat. He could see in an instant how it was done, what they did – what _Magnus_ had created.

His Clave file credited him only barely with the invention of the portal. They talked up Henry Branwell more than they did Magnus. But Alec knew better. This wasn't something that could be created without an honest and in-depth understanding of magic. A personal one. And it was _stunning_.

When they landed on the other side, Alec immediately let go of Magnus' jacket. In just enough time, too. It would've been yanked from his fingers anyway when Magnus spun around, magic already in his hands. Whatever look he'd been wearing before was long gone as he glared at Alec in a room that seemed so dark once the portal disappeared behind him.

“What the hell are you doing, shadowhunter?” Magnus demanded sharply. Threat dripped from every single word.

Not that Alec could blame him. A shadowhunter had just followed him through his portal likely back to the place where Magnus was hiding the other warlocks. Of course he was going to feel threatened and protective. Alec would've felt the same in his shoes.

Unfortunately, he didn't have an answer he thought would satisfy Magnus. He couldn't tell him _Sorry my magic just sort of reached out for you and I just grabbed on out of instinct?_ Nor could he give the more in-depth answer, which still wouldn't make sense to him anyway. _You’re the once-and-future-king I swore ages ago to protect, and my magic felt like you were in danger so here I am?_

A sound nearby cut Alec off before he could even attempt to form an answer. His head snapped up when he realized what it was he was hearing – the sound of a cut off shout. Alec let his bow slide from his shoulder and down his arm, into his waiting hand. At the same time, his other hand reached behind him for an arrow. “Where’s everyone else?” Better yet – where were the wards that he should be feeling? He could feel Magnus' magic. He should've been able to feel it all over this place. Instead, all he felt was a stillness that shouldn't have been there, and a growing sense of dread.

Magnus must've noticed the same thing. No doubt since they were his wards that weren't there. He didn't take Alec's words as a threat the way he could have. Instead, he twisted around in the direction of that sound they'd both heard, and his eyes narrowed. Alec caught a faint glimpse of gold before Magnus' attention was turned fully toward a nearby door. He didn't even look back at Alec as he snapped “Stay here” and started forward.

When Alec followed after him, those sharp eyes snapped back to him again, and Alec missed a step.

The sight of those golden irises and slit pupils had him sucking in his breath. He almost found himself wanting to _laugh_. Was this destiny's idea of a joke? Another _fuck you_ to add to the list? Not only was Magnus a warlock, a being of magic living a role that should've been Alec's, he had the _eyes_. The same damn color to his eyes that Alec had spent a lifetime learning how to hide. The only difference was the cat-like slit to his pupil.

Magnus' lip curled up into a faint sneer. “I said _stay here_.”

“No.” Alec's voice was just as flat as Magnus' was dangerous. He wasn't going to stay here. Not when there was danger out there. It didn’t matter if Alec hadn’t wanted to expose himself to this man – now that he was, now that destiny had forced them together again despite all his protests, there was no way Alec could just ignore him. He felt that same draw he always did. That same need to keep him safe.

He'd spent lifetimes protecting this man from the shadows. Always hiding, never drawing attention to himself because he knew if he had people looking at him there was a chance they might see too much. Better to come off as the fool, the imbecile, the useless one.

Not this time. This time he was Alec Lightwood, Acting Head of the New York Institute, one of the best damn archers the Clave had, and in the top five for hand-to-hand combat. He'd been trained from birth in this life on how to fight, how to protect. He didn't have to hide his urges down and pretend that everything that happened around him was just an accident, nothing more. He could stand at Magnus' side, at Arthur's, and fight right along with him. Whether the man liked it or not.

One look was all it took to see that Magnus clearly _didn’t_ like it. He didn't have time to argue, though. Not when another sound let them know whoever had come here was _still_ here.

“Stay behind me, and stay quiet,” Magnus warned him.

In a move more suited to Jace than himself, Alec lifted his bow and tapped the tip against his forehead in a mock salute. It startled a surprised flash of amusement in Magnus' eyes.

Then the warlock turned around, and Alec brought his focus back to where it should be – watching his back.

The two men moved through the dark hallway in front of them. Alec took in the room around him, drawing in details while he tried to find any hiding spots, any hint of someone lying in wait for them. He was used to playing backup – it was his job to look for those things. That had always been his role. Even as Alec, that was what he did for his siblings. It was why he used the bow. That allowed Alec to fight behind everyone and make sure they all stayed safe.

He played that part now as he followed on Magnus’ heels. As he did, he tried not to think about how easy it was to slip into that pose – behind him by three steps, and off to the right. Close enough if he were needed without being too close to break any kind of protocol.

When they reached what was clearly the front of this large house, hidden away with a warehouse visible on the other side, they found a broken front door and a bunch of empty space. Magnus swore lowly and twisted to the right, eyes going toward another hallway. Something glittered over his shoulder, a hint of light, and Alec let an arrow fly even as Magnus flung up a shield, stopping the dagger from striking either one of them.

Somewhere up ahead a voice shouted, softer and higher-pitched, and the two left the body of the Circle member where it’d fallen as they raced off in that direction.

When they burst into the room, there was no time to stop, no time to think. A quick scan showed at least twelve Circle members in there. They had seven warlocks in shackles, one free with magic swirling around their hands, and they’d cornered what looked like at least six kids of varying ages. Trapped behind a shield it was clear the warlock was making.

Magnus’ and Alec didn’t say a word to one another. They darted out in opposite directions automatically – Magnus toward the warlock, and Alec towards the shadowhunters.

Even as Alec moved he was firing one arrow, two, three, and then he was too close to keep using his arrows to shoot with. He had to shift his grip on his bow so that he could swing out with it, slamming the end into the side of one shadowhunter’s head, and he cut out with an arrow in the other hand at the same time.

It didn’t completely take out the ones he hit, not those last two, but it cleared a path for Alec to get between them and the children which was exactly what he wanted. Alec landed up there, twisting on one heel so that the children were behind him and the Circle members in front of him. He adjusted the grip on his bow and felt his magic crackle inside of him. It reached out to the barrier behind him, weaker now as Magnus clearly fought with the other warlock. That was enough for Alec to reach out with his own magic, grounding himself as he did, and yank the control of the barrier from the other warlock, twisting it from something that was meant to keep the kids _in_ , to a barrier meant to keep everyone else _out_.

Alec's magic had barely recovered, and Catarina had warned him that any use he indulged in now would only harm him, weakening him further and slowing down his recovery. He had a long ways to go before he could risk using magic without potentially draining himself and damaging the already burnt channels that were making his recovery so slow.

But he didn’t care. He pushed what little power he had at the moment into the barrier. The lives of those kids were far more important. If he could use that barrier to keep anyone from getting in to them, he could keep them safe, and that was more important than anything. More important than even his King.

“Get out of our way,” one of the shadowhunters in front of Alec demanded, drawing his blade as he did.

Alec didn’t even flinch. He held his bow at the ready and glared right back at them. “Make me.”

What came next was a blur of movement that Alec was barely able to think through. They charged at him, blades in hand, and Alec braced himself against the barrier as best as he could and met them blow for blow.

He was well trained in all forms of combat. Not just his own style, but others as well. He had to be if he wanted to train with his siblings. They had very different fighting styles. Alec learned from them as much as he taught them.

Isabelle was fast, agile, her moves almost a dance, with some serious strength behind it. Jace was fast, but he came in hard, a hurricane of movement with just a bit of flair because he couldn’t quite help showing off sometimes. Alec had picked up tricks from them, and it’d made him a formidable fighter on his own, though nowhere near as good as his parabatai in his opinion.

But now? Now that Alec remembered who he was – remembered all those long years, all the different fights he’d been in, the training he’d put his body through, the things he’d learned in places both old and new? These people didn’t stand a chance.

Alec fought with everything in him to try and take them all down before he used up his magic. He had to take them down before the barrier fell.

The first few went down easy, but the rest… Alec hated it, hated to admit it, but exhaustion was already starting to settle in. Fighting and using his magic together should’ve been natural. Instead, he felt like he was burning inside, aching in those deep places where he connected to his magic. It was feeding off of his energy in an effort to stay up, sapping him of what little strength he had.

A sudden flash of orange flared across Alec's vision. He watched as two fireballs took out the remaining two Circle members and sent them flying. It happened not a moment too soon. Alec lowered his arms, eyes moving over to where Magnus stood by a group of adult warlocks, all of them free of their shackles. The other warlock was in shackles of his own now.

Magnus’ eyes held a new light to them. He was looking at Alec with a speculative glint to his eyes. It didn’t feel threatening or dangerous, not like before. It was more like he was looking at Alec like he wasn’t quite sure what to do with him.

The world wavered a little suddenly. Alec's vision blurred, though not before he caught sight of the shift to worry on Magnus’ face, the way his eyebrows shot up toward his hairline. The next second the overuse of magic caught up to Alec. Everything was a blur and he felt his body sinking to the ground.

He had just enough peace of mind to dart a hand out and catch himself on the ground so that he wouldn’t just go straight down. What saved him, though, were the strong hands that caught his shoulders. They were likely the only thing that kept Alec from pitching forward to kiss the ground. They caught hold of him and braced him up in just enough time. Even as they held, Alec’s body slumped forward a little more into the solid warmth that was suddenly there in front of him.

Alec knew without looking just who it was that had caught him.

“Woah there, shadowhunter,” Magnus murmured above him. It was Magnus he was leaning against – Magnus’ hands on his shoulder, his hip against Alec's forehead. He didn’t try to push Alec away or anything like that. If anything, he cradled Alec a little closer, one hand slipping up from Alec's shoulder so that it could curl against the back of his head, keeping him close and braced while Magnus’ body shifted a little to better accommodate his weight.

Then the leg he was leaning against moved yet again. Turning back toward the others, Alec would guess, as Magnus’ next words were “Get everyone to the secondary location. Let out any who want to leave but keep the rest under the wards. I’ll be there as soon as I’m able. If I’m not there by morning, send a fire message to Catarina, and then scatter.”

Alec probably should’ve been paying attention to what was going on. He got the impression the warlocks were leaving, going somewhere else. One of Magnus’ hands moved and then there was the feel of something in the air, _Magnus’ magic_. A portal?

Unconsciously, part of Alec tried to reach out for it, and he felt Magnus’ hand press a little harder against his head. “Ah, ah, darling, that’s enough of that.” A warm sensation wrapped around Alec like a hug, holding him and grounding him while at the same time it cut off the little questing tendrils of Alec's magic. “There we are. We don’t want you actually knocking yourself out this time. You’ve done quite a number on yourself already, haven’t you?”

Part of Alec recognized that he should probably answer that. The rest of him was trying really, really hard to keep from passing out. What resulted was a sound that couldn’t even be properly described as a word.

The hand on his head pressed in a little more in a gentle, stroking motion. One that cut off Alec's attempt at speech.

“What am I going to do with you?” Magnus’ question sounded more like he was asking himself than asking Alec. He sighed and his stance shifted into something Alec could lean against even easier. “Well, we can’t stay here while we figure it out. Not after the lair’s been so thoroughly compromised. If you can, I suggest you hold on, darling. I’m going to move us. Then we’ll see what we can do about you.”

Anyone else, at any other time, and Alec might’ve felt vaguely threatened by that remark. But even though he was kneeling there in front of one of the most powerful warlocks around, one who could easily take him apart right now with his own power so low and his body still teetering on the edge of passing out, Alec had still never felt quite so safe.

* * *

It took a truly impressive display of magic for Magnus to gather up the space they were in and move them. Alec felt the shift in reality as the loft was taken from where it’d been and transplanted somewhere new.

Once it was settled, the magic in the air didn’t disappear. New wards were spun around them and drawn down over the loft. Then little tendrils of that magic helped to come down and brace under Alec's armpits and at his hips at the same time that Magnus’ hands reached down. Alec felt ashamed at how weak he was in that moment. Despite his best efforts to push up from the ground and take some of his own weight, he knew that Magnus bore most of it.

The other man helped Alec upright and then moved him a few feet until he could settle him down on something firm yet soft. A couch, it felt like.

Alec blinked open hazy eyes to find Magnus crouching down beside the couch, those cat eyes still on display. He was staring right back at Alec, studying him like he was trying to figure him out. Little hints of the glowing soul inside peeked out through that gaze. Even with his own senses so dulled after burning himself out a bit like this, Alec could still see that. Still feel it.

Instead of asking the most obvious question, the one Alec knew he had to be at the forefront of Magnus’ mind, the man surprised him by offering, “I have a restorative potion that might help you, if you’d like. It won’t replenish you any faster, but it’ll ease some of the more raw places inside.” His mouth quirked a little. “I imagine you’ll feel less like you’re about to pass out. Though the fact that you’re still conscious right now is rather impressive, if I do say so. You’re more tenacious than you look, pretty boy. Or more stubborn.”

The urge to duck his head and hide a little was strong. Alec felt so out of place here, laying on this couch with Magnus kneeling there in front of him. For the first time in more years than most could comprehend, he felt _small_. Like the young servant he’d once been, stunned at the display of kindness from someone so far above him it was laughable that he was even _noticed_.

Alec shoved those feelings down far underneath everything else. That wasn’t who he was anymore, nor was it who Magnus was. Letting himself slip back into that role would only make things hurt more in the long run. _He’s not Arthur. Don’t forget that._

It took a few tries for Alec to clear his throat enough to get his voice to work without cracking embarrassingly. “That’d be great, thank you.”

Magnus nodded, but he didn’t rise. He just snapped his fingers and twisted his hand. A glass bottle appeared there, with a faint, familiar green potion inside. It was the same one Catarina had given Alec and insisted he take once a day – twice if symptoms were bad.

Though it took way more effort than Alec liked, he managed to push himself up so that he was properly sitting in the corner of the couch instead of half lying there. At least his hand was steady when he reached out to take the potion from Magnus. He was grateful that Magnus had magicked it over without the plug in the top. That meant Alec didn’t have to try and likely fail to get the thing open. He was free to just lift it to his mouth and down it like a shot.

He couldn’t quite keep in the grimace at the taste. It seemed Magnus’ potion didn’t take any better than Catarina’s.

When he lowered the vial, he found Magnus staring at him, eyes wide and lips parted. He looked, stunned.

That looked was wiped away quickly enough. The next moment Magnus took the empty vial and pushed up from his crouching position. The vial was banished somewhere. Alec didn’t really try and pay attention to that. He focused instead on how Magnus ended up draped on the other end of the couch – and he could focus now, thankfully, the blurry edges receding from his vision. The potion didn’t heal him completely, but it helped ease things enough that Alec felt less like he was going to pass out, just as Magnus had suggested.

Magnus sprawled in the corner of the couch in a lazy pose that might’ve looked overtly relaxed to anyone who wasn’t studying him as intently as Alec was. Alec had no doubt that the man could respond in an instant if need be. Likely without moving a muscle.

One arm lifted to rest on the back of the couch, and Magnus used that hand to cradle his head, allowing him to stay tilted to the side so he could watch Alec. He didn’t even bother trying to hide the way he was studying Alec's face.

The urge to squirm was hard to resist. Pushing aside anything about their pasts, any of the drama associated with who the two of them used to be – as just Alec and Magnus, the whole situation was very, very dangerous.

Alec, a shadowhunter, had not only come here to the warlock hideout with Magnus without asking permission, he’d found the place full of Circle members. He’d _killed_ Circle members. But, worse than that. Worse than anything: he’d blatantly used magic in front of not just the High Warlock of Brooklyn, but in front of his people as well. Adults and children alike.

He might’ve been able to hide it, _maybe_ , or find a way to talk around it, if only he hadn’t drained himself by doing it. Almost passing out pretty much confirmed that it had been Alec who was responsible for that little shield between him and the kids. _So much for hiding._ Ten minutes in the other man’s company and Alec had blasted some of his bigger secrets out of the water.

The more Alec thought about it, the more he found himself starting to panic inside. So when Magnus finally spoke up, the calm way he spoke left Alec feeling off kilter.

“You’re not quite what I expected,” Magnus said simply. There was no threat to the words, no condemnation.

Yet, what was Alec supposed to say? How should he respond to that? In the end all that came out was a low “Oh?” 

“The others you were with, Clarissa and Blondie – they showed up with demands and bribery.” Magnus tilted his head a little, and his eyes were intent on Alec as if trying to read every emotion that crossed his face. “You, on the other hand. You saved my life, followed me through a portal without knowing where you were going, fought against your own kind, defended a group of warlock children, and outed yourself in the process without even hesitating.”

A scowl crossed Alec's features. One line out of that speech struck him more than the rest. He couldn’t help interjecting “They aren’t _my_ kind.”

Magnus continued on as if Alec hadn’t interrupted him. “You also took a potion from me without knowing what was in it, or what exactly it might do to you, simply on my word alone that it would help you. Nor have you asked where it was I moved us to when I moved the loft. In fact, if I hadn’t felt your attention, or seen you look out the window, I would almost think you hadn’t realized we moved. Yet even with all that, you still sit here, looking adorably grumpy and guarded, yet not threatening in the least bit.”

“You’ve done nothing to make me feel threatened,” Alec said. It was the only part of that he could focus on. The rest, well, what kind of answer could he give? He couldn’t tell him the truth. Yet how could he lie? He’d done that last time around, and it had hurt so much in the end when the truth came out. When he’d had to see that pain and hurt on Arthur’s face.

The laugh Magnus let out was just a bit sharp at the edges. It carried a bitterness that made Alec want to cringe. “As I said, darling. You’re not quite what I expected from a shadowhunter.” Light, power, flashed in the depths of Magnus’ eyes. “In more ways than one.”

 _Here it is_. This was what Alec had been expecting from the very moment he’d taken control of the shield and sheltered the children. Or, well, since the start, really. Since he’d fired that arrow at the first Circle member and his magic had leapt on that arrow to help it along.

He had no idea what to say, though. How did he answer this? How did he explain it? Alec couldn’t – he couldn’t tell Magnus the truth about who he was. There was no way in Heaven or Hell he could do that. The idea of, of exposing himself like that, of trying to tell Magnus who he was, who they both were, it left a thread of anxiety beating hard inside his chest. Alec's breath froze there until it felt like each inhale was packed full of tiny shards of ice stabbing at him. _I can’t do this. I can’t be here, I can’t do this._

He didn’t realize how much his panic was showing until Magnus suddenly sat forward and reached out, one hand hesitating for a moment before it settled on Alec's knee. “Take a deep breath, shadowhunter. You’re safe here.”

Alec wanted to reach out and clasp that hand while simultaneously fighting back the urge to knock it away. He didn’t take touch anywhere near as well as he once had. It’d been _ages_ since anyone had touched him so easily, so kindly, without a hint of anything else behind it. His life as Alec hadn’t been any easier in that regard. Touch was doled out sparingly, a reward for good behavior, or a sharp punishment when he failed. What little he got – from his sister, his brother, his parabatai – was small and precious to him.

None of it warmed him quite as well as the simple touch of Magnus’ hand on his knee. Not even the magic that was behind that touch, sitting just under the skin. No, it was the touch itself that meant so much.

Little by little Alec managed to pull his panic back under control. His breathing slowed down, and the tension that had locked up his muscles gradually began to seep back out.

Magnus gave a low hum as Alec settled. He nodded his head, and gave Alec's knee a small pat. “My apologies. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“You didn’t,” Alec blurted out.

Thankfully, Magnus was kind enough not to call him out on such a blatant lie. Though the way he looked at Alec made it clear he didn’t believe him. But he didn’t push to make Alec admit it. He just spoke on as if Alec hadn’t just had a minor panic attack in front of him. “There was quite a bit of magic happening in that room. It wouldn’t be difficult to convince the others that the shield was mine. Your magic is… subtle. In ways I’ve never quite seen before.”

Ignoring that part for now, Alec tried to swallow back the bile in his throat, the panic that he couldn’t quite get rid of. Just thinking about what might happen, what could happen if the truth got out, had his hands wanting to shake. To prevent it, he clasped them together in his lap. Panicking would get him nowhere. He needed to be calm and practical. “You’d lie to your people?” he asked, the words steadier than he’d thought they would be.

“You have every reason to want to hide this. I don’t imagine your people would react well to one of their own having magic.”

That would be an understatement. Shadowhunters wouldn’t take well to finding out that one of their own had magic. Not with the prejudice so deeply rooted within their community. If the Clave found out, losing his runes would likely be the least of Alec’s worries.

Normally, that might not worry Alec as much as it did now. He’d lived through worse, after all. He’d been a powerful magic user in the very heart of Camelot where he would’ve been burned alive had anyone suspected what he could do. He’d lived through witch hunt after witch hunt. But he’d also had his power then. He hadn’t been like he was now – empty, almost crippled.

No, Alec needed to be careful. Likely more so than he ever had been.

Magnus nodded at him as if Alec had spoken any of those thoughts out loud. “I’m not going to out you.”

“What?” Though he knew it was highly offensive, Alec couldn’t keep the skepticism out of his tone.

“Contrary to what your kind might believe, Downworlders are, in fact, capable of being _kind_ ,” Magnus said wryly. “However, if it makes it easier for you to swallow, you can consider it repayment for your actions today. You protected those children. I owe you a debt for that.”

Alec wanted to protest, insist that he didn’t think about Downworlders like that. Yet at the same time he couldn’t deny the part of himself that relaxed just a little at the reassurance, the reasoning – though not for the reasons that Magnus might think. Being a shadowhunter or a warlock or whatever had no bearing on Alec’s fear.

No, it was the part of Alec that had been taught over time that no favors came for free. There was always a reason, a purpose, a need behind everything. People did things because they wanted something, not just because they were _kind_. He’d stopped believing in that kind of nonsense quite a few years (centuries) ago.

“I’m sorry,” Alec finally settled on saying. He caught the surprise that flared to life briefly in Magnus’ eyes and felt even guiltier. “It’s not you. Or, well, I mean not you as in, you as a person. Or anything else about you.” Grimacing, Alec cut himself off and huffed. _Quit babbling like an idiot!_ He forced a deep breath and steadied his voice once more. “I’ve been hiding this secret for a…long time. Only my parabatai and one of my…friends…know. I’ve gotten used to, to living in fear of people finding out. What they’d think. What they’d do.”

Alec cut himself off abruptly. He hadn’t meant to be so open – to spill out private parts of himself that were far more honest than he’d meant to be. But there was a heavy layer of truth in those words that he knew Magnus heard.

He watched the way that the lines around Magnus’ eyes slowly softened. The harder edge of his smirk gentled, just a little, and some tension Alec had barely noticed seeped out of him. “I’m sorry. I wouldn’t wish that feeling on anyone.”

Alec shrugged it off. “You and yours have it far worse than I do.”

“That doesn’t invalidate your own fears,” Magnus said, his voice far kinder than Alec deserved.

This was getting far too deep into a topic that Alec didn’t want to talk about. He shuffled a little, wanting desperately to switch the topic but not quite sure how.

Thankfully, Magnus did it for him. He twisted a little more to face Alec, one leg coming up to cross over the other, and then he flashed a bright grin that stole Alec's breath away. “So, now that I’ve gotten to know your deep, dark secret and swore to not tell a soul, do I get to know your name?” Magnus’ grin turned just a bit teasing. “Or I can just keep calling you _pretty boy._ ”

 _By the angel._ A blush warmed Alec's cheeks. He hadn’t realized he still knew how to do that. Yet here he was, blushing at a compliment from a beautiful man, stammering out his name like some nervous schoolboy who’d never even been kissed. “A-Alec.” He paused and cleared his throat. _Quit being an idiot!_ Straightening up, he lifted his chin and pushed back his shoulders. Then he lifted one hand and held it out Magnus’ way. “Alec Lightwood, Acting Head of the New York Institute.”

Magnus’ eyebrows went up once more. He let out a low whistle before reaching out to shake Alec's hand. “I don’t know if I should be astounded or offended.”

“I’m sorry?”

“Wasn’t my help or Clarissa’s memories important enough to warrant your direct attention?” Magnus asked. He drew his hands back, once more propping his head up with one. Though the words were teasing, there was just enough of an edge to them to tell Alec that Magnus meant his question.

There were a few different ways Alec could answer that. He looked at Magnus, at the guarded look that was no more than Alec deserved simply for his race alone, and he found himself being honest. “If it were up to me, I would’ve reached out to you through proper channels, not drawn you out and left you vulnerable in the middle of a club.”

“So why didn’t you?” Magnus asked just as bluntly as his own words. “Are you or aren’t you the leader?”

It took a lot of effort not to scoff out loud. Being a leader clearly meant little to his siblings. But that wasn’t something Alec really wanted to take the time to explain to someone else. Bad enough that his siblings didn’t feel the need to listen to him. He didn’t need to let everyone know that.

Alec swallowed down the bitter words that tried to bubble up. The diplomacy he had trained for – not just in this lifetime, but in others – had him dipping his head down in silent acknowledgement. It also prompted his polite yet honest words. “We should have, and you have my apologies for how things turned out.”

A twinkle of something more than just magic sparked in Magnus’ eye. “I find it hard to protest too much. After all, I highly doubt any proper meeting you might’ve called would’ve ended up like _this_.” He let his eyes deliberately sweep over Alec from head to toe and back again.

Though Alec couldn’t stop his blush from coming back, he could pretend, at least, that it wasn’t there. Magnus was clearly a flirt. His words were no doubt automatic. After all, what warlock would want anything to do with a shadowhunter in _that_ sense? (He ignored the part of himself that whispered _flirting means nothing, just like it always does. He’s flirted and never wanted you in the past. Don’t be stupid enough to think he does now._ )

“I understand that you have little reason to want to help us now, and your refusal would be entirely justified,” Alec said, ignoring the other parts of himself. He was good at that. “But you are the only person who can help us get her memories back.”

“It’s not as simple as you think, darling. I didn’t simply keep Clarissa’s memories in a little box in my closet.”

Though Alec had known that wasn’t likely, he still felt a flare of disappointment. He had a bit of knowledge about how memory magic worked. It wasn’t something he was fond of, messing with someone’s head like that, and he’d only given it a cursory study. Though mostly in the direction of _preserving_ memories, or small memory wipes, which were occasionally a necessity. Albeit an uncomfortable one.

If Magnus hadn’t just kept Clary’s memories stored around here somewhere, there were just a few other options, and none of them were all that great.

“Can you get them back?” Alec asked carefully.

Magnus studied him for a moment, his head tilted and his eyes deep. It was a look Alec could’ve gotten lost in. Then Magnus blinked those long lashes, and the intensity of that stare faded away. “I can,” he said. “Though it won’t be a simple procedure. I fed them to a memory demon for safekeeping. Getting them back will be… difficult.”

A memory demon. Alec couldn’t help the slight wince he gave at that. It wasn’t the worst of all the options but it was bad enough. Giving the demon the memories would’ve been easy enough. Getting them back? Not quite as easy.

As the person who had given them away, the only person capable of getting them back was Magnus.

“We’d be more than grateful if you’d help us get her memories back,” Alec's voice was as diplomatic as possible. He tried to focus, to just imagine that he was working with any old High Warlock and not… not _him_. He hoped none of his other feelings showed through into his voice. “If you send us a bill, the Institute will see that you’re paid handsomely.”

“Oh, I’m sure they would.” Magnus wore a smile that immediately put Alec on edge, sure that the man was about to say or do something that Alec wasn’t expecting. Sure enough – “However, I have quite a few different jewels and gold. I’d much rather something a bit more… _exotic_. It is, after all, rather dangerous, what you’re asking me to do.”

Alec knew he was going to regret this. He _knew it_ and yet there was no way around it. Drawing in a breath, he asked “What can we pay you?”

The little crinkles at the corners of Magnus’ eyes deepened. A hint of a dimple flashed in one cheek. Those dark eyes latched right on to Alec's and stayed there as he said: “A date.”

It took a second for those words to truly sink in. When they did, Alec found himself blinking a few times like somehow that might make the words make more sense. Or wake him up out of what was clearly some sort of dream. Only, nothing changed. Magnus was still sitting right there in front of him, smiling like the cat who’d caught the canary, and it should’ve been infuriating. The man was demanding a _date_ as payment! Alec definitely shouldn’t have found it as charming as he did.

“Excuse me?”

“A date,” Magnus repeated, that smile never wavering. “With you, specifically. And just because I can see the suspicion building there, let me assure you this has absolutely nothing to do with your magic. While I confess myself more than a little curious about that, I’m willing to be patient enough for you to be comfortable telling me.”

“Then _why_?” Alec blurted out. Why on earth would Magnus want a date with _him_ if not to find out more about his magic?

Magnus’ brows drew down for just a moment. Then his forehead smoothed back out and his expression was just as warm, just as _flirtatious_ as it’d been before. “You interest me, Alexander. I’d like a chance to get to know you.”

Oh, this was a bad idea. This was _such_ a bad idea.

Just a few hours ago Alec had been insistent that he was going to do this and then do everything he could to avoid ever having to see Magnus again. If he could have done all this without having to see the man at all, he would’ve been thrilled. Yet now he sat here on Magnus’ couch, the first of so many secrets already laid out before him, and just as he’d known would happen he found himself getting caught up in the sheer _presence_ of the other man. It didn’t matter how many times Arthur was reborn, how many lives he led, how many names and faces he had, at the very core some things were always the same. One of those was the inexorable tie between them. A pull that Alec had never once been able to resist.

Even knowing that he was no doubt setting himself up for a world of hurt when the inevitable happened, there was a tiny, aching part of Alec that couldn’t help but reach out for the one thing he’d always wanted and never had. A hint, just a _taste_ , of what he’d always wanted. “I… I’d like that, too.”

The way that Magnus lit up was like every holiday had come early this year. “Wonderful!” In one smooth, fluid move, Magnus pushed up off the couch and up to his feet. Then he clapped his hands together. “All right. Call your siblings, Alexander. If we’re going to do this, we should get it done before I return to my people. I’m going to be quite busy the next few days.”

The reminder of what had happened tonight, and what Magnus no doubt had to go deal with, had Alec wincing. “I’m sure things can wait a few days for you to do what you need to.”

Magnus rewarded his offer with a smile. One that sent a curl of warmth through Alec's gut. “As kind as that is, I’d like to get this done with.” Then he winked. “Also, the sooner I finish everything else, the sooner I can cash in on my payment.”


	3. Chapter 3

There were countless messages waiting for Alec once he pulled out his phone to call his siblings. He ignored all of them to text Isabelle an address and a brief explanation of what was going on. He didn’t call her – that would mean talking to her, which would also mean she had time to yell at him. Something Alec wasn’t quite ready to hear yet. He knew both his siblings were going to have a hell of a lot to say once they caught up with him.

It meant he was both nervous and grateful when Isabelle text back that they were only a few minutes away. Nervous, because he didn’t want to have to deal with whatever they would say or do once they got there – they weren’t going to be happy with him, and Alec had no doubt that Jace was going to be upset about their plan being messed up. Not to mention whatever Clary was going to say. Seeing as how she seemed to think she was in charge.

But he was also grateful, because their quick arrival meant that Alec wasn’t going to be trapped here with Magnus for too long, stuck trying to make small talk.

This evening had gone nothing at all like how Alec had planned it. Meeting Magnus face to face hadn’t been something he’d wanted to even contemplate. Defending the man’s life, following him through a portal, outing himself for having magic, and then making a deal with him with a _date_ as payment _definitely_ hadn’t been in the plans.

Magnus seemed to realize that Alec was uncomfortable and in need of just a little bit to reset. He’d told Alec to “Make yourself at home, darling, and feel free to let your siblings in when they arrive. I’ve set the wards to let them up. I’m just going to step away for a few and send off a few messages, check in on the others,” and then he’d left Alec standing alone in the living room.

Being alone with his thoughts wasn’t really doing Alec all that well. It meant he had time to work himself up into one hell of a panic instead of calming down like he should’ve been.

His phone buzzing cut him off before he could get _too_ worked up. Pulling it from his pocket, he blinked down at the name a few times, a bit surprised to see that it wasn’t from either of his siblings. Alec unlocked his phone and swiped to open the message.

_You, me, a bottle of your shit wine, my apartment – C_

Almost against his will a small smile touched Alec's lips. One of the best things to come out of regaining his memories had to be this right here. A friendship with someone he’d once thought he would never be able to see again, and with someone that, in this life, he probably never would’ve even thought about trying to be friends with. Catarina was a pleasant mix of those faint memories Alec had of the girl he’d once known – memories he was sad to realize were faded with time – and spunk and sass of someone he was pleased to get to know. She was brassy, bold, blunt, and a few other b-words that would make her laugh if he used them to describe her.

Alec absolutely _adored_ her.

Their texts and talks on the phone were pleasant points in his day. As were the few visits they got to share with one another. They didn’t spend the whole time talking about their past, or about the present and its issues, as Alec had been afraid they might. If anything, they spent the least amount of time on those topics. While Catarina wasn’t afraid to give her opinion, she respected _Alec's_ opinion in a way few people ever had.

More often than not their visits were just to _talk_. To complain about their days, their friends, their more mundane problems, or to bitch about the Clave. Sometimes Alec bounced ideas off of her, little things he was hoping to put into play at the Institute, changes that he wanted to make. She was good at helping him figure out the best way to do this.

Alec moved his thumb over the on-screen keyboard with an ease he wouldn’t have had a few months ago. _Long day? – A_

Her reply came in almost instantly.

_You have no idea – C_

_Working way too late to bitch tonight. Tomorrow? Noon? – C_

He contemplated how that might work for a moment. A few days ago he would’ve just asked Jace to cover for him for a while. His parabatai was more than willing to encourage Alec's friendship with Catarina. He seemed more than happy for him. But with the way he was acting with Clary there was no telling if he might actually be willing to help or if he’d be _too busy_.

As soon as Alec had that thought, he felt guilty. Jace was there for him in quite a few ways. More than most people probably realized. Maybe he was being a little selfish right now, and maybe he wasn’t being the best, but everyone was entitled to act like an idiot now and again. He’d never abandoned Alec in all the moments he’d been a jerk. Alec could extend him the same courtesy.

 _Not sure_ , he finally sent back. _I’ll text you tomorrow once I know - A_

_Ugh, sounds like your day might be as shit as mine – C_

_I’ll chill an extra bottle of wine just in case – C_

After that came in a gif of some woman laying back on a couch with a wine glass that probably could’ve held a small child in it. The woman in the gif was happily chugging it down.

The faint smile Alec wore grew a little more, and he chuckled lowly. He hadn’t expected Catarina to be the type to text so much. But she seemed to have a gif response for just about everything.

Any further conversation was cut off when a little chime echoed around him. It didn’t sound like any sort of doorbell he’d ever heard, yet he found himself looking that way. Magnus had told him he could let his siblings in when they showed up. Maybe that was the wards letting him know they were here?

Going to open the door and let people into a home that wasn’t his felt kind of strange. Alec hesitated when he reached the front door. With a reminder that Magnus had told him it was okay, Alec reached out and opened the door.

That chime had clearly been part of a warning system. When Alec opened the door he found that the elevator was just opening up, and his siblings as well as Clary came walking out.

Isabelle and Jace probably looked calm to just about anyone else. Controlled. Alec knew them well enough to read worry in the extra sway to Isabelle’s walk, the deliberate loose-limbed movements that she pulled out when she was sure she was about to walk into trouble, and in the way her whip was twisting around her wrist like a live snake.

He could read Jace’s concern not just in their bond, which had been thrumming steadily with it since Alec had left them, but in the dagger’s edge to his smirk, the lift of his chin like he was preparing to charge in and start a fight with whoever or whatever got between him and his goal.

Caught in watching them, Alec barely paid any attention to the redhead trying to lead them, her eyes sharp and her mouth set in a firm line.

Because Alec was watching he was able to see the instant that Jace and Isabelle caught sight of him. He saw the way their bodies relaxed, the relief that flashed over them that was matched by a wave of it in the bond.

“Alec!” Isabelle didn’t run, but it was a close thing. She picked up her pace just enough that she was able to skirt her way around Clary and dart in to wrap her arms around Alec's waist. He lifted his own arm automatically and drew her in against him. At the same time, he met Jace’s eyes over Isabelle’s head, the look they exchanged full of the words they couldn’t – wouldn’t – say in front of others.

Alec squeezed Isabelle in close for a moment. Then he drew back, tugging a little on her braid as he did. “Come on in,” he said, gesturing behind him. He turned and made room for them to come in.

“Where’s Magnus?” Clary asked while she marched inside, eyes scanning the room around her.

Alec closed the door once his siblings were inside. He took a moment to stand there at the shut door and indulge himself in a heavy eye roll for young, impatient fools. He had to remind himself that she had every right to be upset, to be impatient. These were her memories they were here to get back – her mother that was missing. Clary had a right to be a bit out of sorts.

Didn’t mean he had to enjoy dealing with it, though.

When he turned back around, he’d managed to contain most of his initial reaction, though he couldn’t quite stop the glare on his face. “He’s taking care of a few important things. He told me to let you guys in when you got here. I’m sure he’ll be out once he’s ready.”

“Is he going to help us?” Jace asked him. He stood at Clary’s side in the middle of the living room, the two turned to face Alec.

It looked like pleasantries were over. Alec's glare deepened. He stopped just inside the room and crossed his arms over his chest. If they were going to be blunt and rude, he was going to do the same.

“Yes, he is,” Alec answered. Before they could celebrate too much, he continued on in a harder voice. “I’ve spent the last hour talking with the High Warlock and arranging to hire him for his services here tonight. He’s graciously agreed to help us – something that he doesn’t have to do, I might add.”

His words had Clary puffing up. She put her hands on her hips and tried to match him glare for glare. “They’re _my_ memories.”

“Which your mother hired him to remove,” Alec said sharply. He wasn’t going to let her come in here and demand things from Magnus like he was in the wrong here. “You were a minor, and your Mom came to Magnus and hired him for a service. If you have an issue with that, take it up with your mother when you find her. For now, you _will_ treat him with respect – all of you.”

His words had Isabelle nodding. She, at least, recognized just how serious he was.

Jace, on the other hand, wave one hand dismissively through the air. “Calm down. We’ll be fine, Alec. Quit worrying so much.”

Angel, he hoped Jace was right. At the moment Magnus held a lot of important cards. This wasn’t just a matter of him deserving respect – though he did, just for his station alone – it was also a matter of not upsetting the person who had the only access to Clary’s memories, and who could ruin Alec's life with a few choice words. Not that Alec could explain that to his parabatai right then. Not with extra ears listening in.

Speaking of extra ears listening in – Alec doubted it was happenstance that Magnus chose that moment to come back into the room. The timing might’ve been a coincidence, _maybe_ , but the dramatic entrance he made kind of gave him away. The doors on the far side of the room slid open to reveal Magnus standing in the middle, chin up and a smirk on his lips. His pose, however, was as regal as anything Alec had ever seen. A king stepping out of his castle to come and speak with the common folk.

A wave of nostalgia struck Alec hard in that moment. Memories he hadn’t let himself think about for a long time came bubbling up.

_“How do I look?”_

_“Do you really want me to answer that?”_

_“You know, it’s been a long time since you’ve been to the stocks, Merlin. I think the townspeople are starting to miss you.”_

_“You look as regal and dashing as ever, Sire.”_

_“That’s what I thought.”_

“…to my humble abode.”

The words didn’t register at first as being in the present. Not until Clary responded, her voice new enough to jar Alec out of his memories and back into the present moment. “So, you’re going to help us?”

Before Alec could pull himself together enough to try and respond to that, his sister beat him to it. She stepped forward and discreetly elbowed Clary back a step toward Jace, putting herself between the redhead and Magnus. “What she means to say is that we’re grateful for your help with this.”

The way Magnus’ smirk shifted into something dangerous likely shouldn’t have warmed Alec quite as much as it did. He was well used to ignoring the curl of heat in his gut. What he _wasn’t_ used to was trying to do while soul-bonded to someone else.

A wave of surprise, followed quickly by amusement, echoed back over the bond.

Most parabatai bonds didn’t go as deeply as Jace and Alec's did. From what Alec had been told, and what’d he’d read, the bond wasn’t meant to be something that carried as many emotions as theirs did. They shouldn’t have been able to pick up on what the other was feeling so easily. Yet they’d always been able to.

Alec knew now that it was likely something to do with his magic. He’d given a piece of his soul to Jace and taken a piece of Jace’s soul into himself. They were bonded at a deep level that whatever dregs of magic Alec had carried in him before he’d gained his memories back had likely taken and strengthened, pouring more of Alec into the bond than normal.

That had only deepened even more once Alec got his memories and some of his magic back. Now, the two were slowly beginning to be able to start carrying on conversations by emotions alone.

Once again Alec's thoughts were interrupted by someone speaking. This time it was Magnus. He’d come closer while Alec and Jace were exchanging feelings, and he looked amused, thankfully, not offended by Clary’s bit of attitude or Isabelle’s blatant attempts to cover it up. “I assure you, my dear, I’m getting quite pleasantly compensated for this.”

Though Magnus didn’t even look his way as he said it, a blush still warmed Alec's cheeks.

Clary didn’t notice it; her eyes were locked on Magnus. But Alec knew his siblings would’ve seen that blush. He tried not to look their way.

“What do we need to do?” Clary asked. She straightened herself up, and a small part of Alec admired the bravery she showed there. This was a whole new world to her. One full of things she didn’t understand. Yet she stood here facing off against a warlock with at least _some_ knowledge of how dangerous that could be, and she still managed to stand her ground, to keep her head up. Even with the panic she no doubt felt for her missing mother.

Alec was self-aware enough to know that he wouldn’t be quite so easy-going if it was one of his siblings who were missing. His parents… that was a bit of a different story. But his siblings? He would’ve ripped the world apart with his bare hands just to get them back.

Acknowledging that probably should’ve made it easier to deal with the girl.

Magnus smiled at her like he wasn’t the least bit bothered by her tone or her demands. Sadly, it was probably something he was used to when dealing with shadowhunters. “Come this way,” he said to her, gesturing with one hand while he turned back toward the double doors he’d just come out of. He sent a grin and a wink Alec's way when he turned. “We’ll be just a moment.”

It took just a second for Alec to realize that the two were going inside the room together. Which left Alec alone in the main part of the loft with his sister and his parabatai.

Isabelle didn’t waste a single moment. She rushed toward Alec the instant the other two were out of the room. A bright grin was on her face and the eagerness in her eyes made it more than clear what she was thinking. Alec braced himself as she came up and took hold of his arm with both her hands, leaning in against him in a way that might’ve fooled someone who didn’t know her into believing that she was sweet and innocent. Alec knew better.

“ _So…_ ” she drawled out, grinning up at him as she did.

Alec didn’t even bother to hide his eye roll from her. “Don’t start, Izzy.”

“We’re not even going to touch on you falling through a portal,” Isabelle went on as if he hadn’t protested. “I want to hear all about this _deal_ you made.” Though her tone was normal, the eyebrow wiggle she gave put an entirely different meaning on her words. One that would’ve had Alec blushing if he hadn’t had experience at trying to ignore her innuendos.

Instead, he leveled her with his driest look. “As Acting Head, it’s my job to hire the services of anyone that might be needed. A fact that you guys seem to have forgotten.”

There was just a hint of chiding in those last words. Enough to cut off Isabelle’s teasing, and to draw Jace’s attention over to them. Surprisingly, he didn’t say anything yet. Their bond felt a bit weird; closed off a little. Alec wanted to ask about it, but that wasn’t something he could do in front of anyone else. He tried to send a questioning sensation over to Jace. All it got him was a small headshake.

“We haven’t forgotten your title, _hermano_ ,” Isabelle said, drawing Alec's focus back over to her. He raised one eyebrow. A hint of a grimace crossed her face.

Jace spoke up for the first time, and Alec wondered if Isabelle could hear the hint of tension that sat underneath his words. “You went along with the plan.”

To anyone else that probably sounded angry or challenging. For Alec, his worry grew a little more, and he furrowed his brows as he studied his parabatai. What on earth was going on with him? He logged it away as yet another thing to talk about later. The pile was building up. “Would it have mattered to you if I did?”

There was no way either of them could answer that without lying. Alec gave a small nod before he turned away to look toward the door where the other two had gone.

Though Isabelle stayed against his side, an uneasy silence fell over them.

* * *

It felt like it took forever before Magnus finally came back for them. It’d likely only been about fifteen minutes, but with the heavy silence that had fallen between the siblings, the air thick with all the things they couldn’t say in such a public place, time felt like it stretched on.

Magic brushed against Alec's shoulder like a gentle hand trying to gain his attention. He automatically turned that way, which had his siblings turning as well, just in time for Magnus to come walking back into the room. He didn’t act like he was aware that he’d been interrupting anything. He just walked back in, that amused smirk still on his lips. His eyes sought out Jace. “We’re ready for you, shadowhunters.”

Jace moved forward in an instant without even a backward glance at them.

When Alec looked down to Isabelle, he saw the faint downward curl of her lips, the brief furrow that she quickly wiped away, and he knew she was worrying a little about Jace as well. She was good at hiding it, though. If Alec hadn’t known her as well as he did he might not have caught it. Everything about her projected calm and ease as she followed after Jace.

When Alec went to join them, Magnus caught Alec's arm before he could follow the others into the room. The heat of his hand seared through Alec's shirt. Alec froze, eyes snapping down to the man beside him. He found that Magnus was already staring up at him. Just a hint of gold sparked in the depths of those dark brown eyes. “Are you sure you should be doing this?” Magnus murmured at him.

There was no need for Alec to ask what the other man meant. He knew what Magnus was hinting toward. Something that Alec had already thought of from the very instant Magnus had explained what they were going to have to do to get Clary’s memories back. But, really, was there any other answer he could give here? “I'll be fine.”

“There's no shame in admitting otherwise,” Magnus said, a gentle edge in his voice.

But Alec shook his head. No matter how kind Magnus was being, they both knew the truth. “You need all of us for this. There’s no one else we can call in that we could trust.” And no way to explain to everyone why Alec suddenly couldn't participate in this. They'd want to know _why_.

Though the look Magnus gave him carried an edge of something to it that Alec thought might be understanding, there was also a firmness there. _Power_. This wasn't just Magnus speaking to him – this was the High Warlock. “I'll do my best to shelter you, but no matter what I do, you're going to feel this, Alec. The spell itself will keep you from passing out. I can make sure of that. The last thing we need is you falling unconscious and releasing the demon into the world. But once we let it go, there is every likelihood you're going to collapse.”

“I know,” Alec said. How he was going to explain that, he had no idea. But that was a problem for the future. One he'd work on once he woke up.

Magnus stared up at Alec for a moment longer. After a long pause, he gave a small nod. “I'll do what I can to keep the spell from drawing too strongly on you.” That said, he squeezed Alec's arm and then let go, heading into the room and leaving Alec to follow him.

Their little conversation hadn't been missed by the others. Jace was sending a quizzical feeling down the bond that Alec had come to interpret as _is everything okay_? Alec did his best to send back a peaceful feeling that he hoped told Jace _I’m fine_.

Isabelle caught Alec's eye over the pentagram. The two didn't have a soul-bond to communicate with, but they didn't need words, either. Not between the two of them. One arche eyebrow and a bit of a head tilt from Isabelle was answered with an eye roll and a twitch of the lips from Alec. It made her grin at him.

The five of them settled into their positions around the pentagram. Alec looked over everyone as Magnus walked them through what they were going to do once more, reminding them as he did “Do not let go. That is extremely important. Once we initiate the bond, it cannot be broken. Do _not_ let go.”

When Magnus twisted his hand and held it out Alec's way, there was a second where it felt like the whole room went silent. Alec swore that everyone’s eyes were on him. _You can do this_ , Alec reminded himself. Internally, he reached down to the place inside where he was still so sore and mostly empty, and he tried to wrap it up, keep it protected. Then he reached out and laid his hand over Magnus’.

From the very first moment that their hands touched, Alec could feel it. He felt the build of power inside his chest with each connection from hand to hand, person to person, until the circle was complete.

The warm tingle that began to grow in the very core of him where his magic was kept only got stronger when Magnus began the actual summoning. With each word Magnus spoke, that tug of power grew stronger. The tingle in Alec's chest only grew stronger. He could feel the way that Magnus tried to lay protection over him. Just as he could feel how little that protection did against a power like his. Their magic was too different – something which Magnus had thankfully yet to realize.

Magnus spoke in an ancient language with all the command of the King that he was, and every part of Alec responded to that. To his King. Alec stood straighter, his shoulders back and his chin up, and his magic rose to attention as well. Any sense of protecting himself was abandoned in that moment.

The tingling spread out through his body. Through his veins, down his limbs and into his fingers, pulled from him and sent to Magnus – to the circle they'd created. The one that would keep them all protected.

When the memory demon appeared, Alec's focus split, half of him on the protection circle and the other half on the very clear threat in front of him. He swore he could hear something, like a whisper on the wind – Valak, speaking to Magnus through the bond of summoner and summoned. The two were speaking their demands to one another and coming to an agreement.

“Valak demands payment,” Magnus said out loud to them all. The same power as before was in his voice, only now it rang with every word he spoke, echoing through the room. Alec felt the vibrations of it ringing against his skin. “A memory of the one we love most.”

The words registered with Alec but it took a moment for it to truly sink in.

When it did, he felt a sense of dread grow in his gut. One that only grew stronger and stronger as he watched his siblings share their memories.

From Isabelle came a memory of her and Alec talking and laughing together as they lay in bed, while it looked like Isabelle was painting Alec's toenails. From Clary, an image of a woman Alec was betting was her mother, her and Clary cooking together in a cozy looking kitchen. From Jace there was one of the many moments with him, Alec, and Isabelle all pushing and shoving at one another while they laughed, clearly having just finished a hunt.

The demon turned toward Alec and there was one brief moment where Alec almost pulled away, where he wanted to fight to yank himself back before the demon could pull out his memory and splay him open there in front of everyone. But then Magnus' grip tightened on his hand, and so did Jace's, the two of them anchoring Alec. A feeling of strength and support poured over the bond in a heavy wave that would've sent Alec to his knees if it wasn't for the spell keeping him upright just as Magnus had promised.

“ ** _Hold steady, brother_** ,” Jace said in their first tongue, their native tongue, his voice only barely able to be heard over everything else.

There was no more time after that for Alec to figure out what he was going to do. It was too late. All he could do was hold himself there as steady as possible, and when the demon pulled his memory from him and played it for all to see, Alec didn't let himself flinch back at the sight of the one person he loved the most – the one he would _always_ love the most.

Arthur stood there in the memory, his grin bright and his face easy and relaxed in that way he'd gotten when they were alone. He sat atop a horse, thankfully without his armor, something that would've no doubt raised even more questions. He and Alec – Merlin, here, back at the start, back before everything – were side by side in that way that had always driven the nobles crazy.

The memory was an old one, the details fuzzy, but the _feeling_ was clear. Arthur's pleasure at their ride, at what was undoubtedly another great hunt, and Merlin's clear joy at being there with him, smiling brightly at him like Arthur was everything good and right in the world.

The memory faded away, and Alec wanted to reach for it, to grab hold of it with both hands and yank it in close before it was once more tucked back in the recesses of his mind, hidden and dulled by time, like a faded photograph kept in a box under the bed, old and weathered. Too many of those memories had been lost. Time was a cruel mistress – almost as cruel as Fate.

Alec pushed back the grief for later. For now, he had to focus on the demon in front of him, the one that was now turning toward Clary and sending something her way. Her memories, Alec would guess, with as calm as Magnus was. Alec was too mixed up inside to even question it. A part of him was throbbing. Aching. Old wounds that'd he'd been ignoring as best he could all evening had been torn open and left bleeding anew.

When the spell released, Alec let himself sink into the blackness that took him over. He let it swallow him whole for the promised respite of a few hours without any kind of pain.


	4. Chapter 4

Alec had no idea how long he'd been out before he finally woke again. What he did know was that he was in his own bed with a familiar body pressed back-to-back with him, and another familiar one curled up against his front.

He'd woken up like this time and time again. Isabelle often crept into his room when she had one of her nightmares. She'd curl up against his chest and hide there. Alec had gotten so used to it, he barely even woke up anymore. He just shifted around in his sleep and drew up an arm so that she could slide underneath it and cuddle in.

Jace was the warm, solid weight against Alec's back. He wasn't cuddled in, because the life Jace had been raised in before he'd ever come here was a warrior's life, one that didn't leave room for things like _softness_. He was better about it than he'd once been, but this pose, this back-to-back guarding of one another, it had become their thing. The compromise between Alec's need to coddle and care for his family, and Jace's need to be strong even when with his parabatai.

Only now did Alec recognize it as a throwback to a different time, when sleeping back to back was the way two men had kept one another safe on a trip through the most perilous of lands. Or how a bright knight had let a young servant steal a bit of heat and protection on those long, boring hunts.

For a few minutes Alec didn't say anything. He just laid there and let himself soak in the safe touches of people he loved – people who, while they might not be who they'd once been, were still some of the most important ones in his life.

It was Isabelle who broke the silence. She didn't move from her spot cuddle to Alec's chest, her head tucked down under his chin. She stayed where she was as she softly said, “You scared me.”

“I'm sorry,” Alec answered automatically. It was the only answer he could give. The one that came out without him even having to think about it.

Jace let out a low, heavy huff. Somehow he managed to convey his eye roll in that sound. How, Alec had no idea. But he didn’t call Alec out on the apology, or on scaring them. Instead, he gave Alec exactly what he knew Alec wanted. “Magnus portaled us back to the Institute after you passed out. You and Clary were both pretty much out for the count. We dragged you both in here. Izzy got Clary to bed, and I tucked you in here. No one’s been in or out of the room since then.” _You were safe,_ Alec heard underneath those words.

“Magnus said the spell pulled more energy from you than it did from us,” Isabelle chimed in.

That had Alec blinking a few times in surprise. He hadn’t expected Magnus to lie for him. He’d thought he was going to have to come up with some sort of reason for what had happened. Instead, Magnus had done that for him. He’d given Alec an easy explanation for what had happened that didn’t put Alec or his secret in danger.

Well, not in any danger from anyone who didn’t already know about that part of him. Judging by the tension in Jace’s back, and the sudden blankness of their bond that only happened when one of them blocked it, Alec might be in a little danger from his parabatai. Jace clearly wasn’t happy, and he wasn’t afraid of letting Alec know it. Be it with a lecture or with fists. Whichever one was necessary at the time.

Alec let out the softest smile, which he carefully hid against Isabelle’s hair. He wasn’t afraid of his parabatai, really. Not his words or his fists. Plenty of shadowhunters worked out their problems in the sparring ring. Maybe not parabatai pairs, because they often didn’t want to hurt one another, but it worked for Alec and Jace. They knew each other well – when to push, when to fight, and when to be quiet and just _be there_ with one another. Be that in the sparring ring or up on the rooftop with a bottle of wine.

Closing his eyes, Alec pushed back a little more against Jace, and he sent as many soothing emotions as he could down their bond.

It got him a huff from Jace. One that was followed up by a press back against Alec in turn.

From against Alec's chest there came the sound of a snort. “Right. On that awkward note.” Abruptly, Isabelle pulled away from him. She planted one of her hands on Alec's chest and used him to leverage herself upright. For a moment when she was above him, she paused, her loose hair dangling down toward his face. Her eyes were serious in a way she didn’t let just anyone see. The look and the head tilt with it were a silent question.

One that had Alec sighing. “I’m fine, Isabelle.”

She stayed there a second more, watching him, trying to read his face. After a moment she let out a heavy sigh and shook her head. “I hope you realize eventually that you can trust me, big brother.”

Isabelle didn’t give Alec a chance to refute that. With one last push, she rose up to her feet beside the bed.

“I’m gonna go check on Clary while you two talk about your super secret business,” she said. With an air kiss blown their way, his little sister spun on her heel and sashayed from the room.

The two watched as she left the room and the door shut behind her. For a moment more they stayed quiet. Then Jace broke the silence by snorting. “She’s too smart for her own good.”

A soft smile tugged at Alec's lips. “She always has been.”

“You should tell her.”

The words had Alec wincing. He couldn’t even argue them. He knew Jace was right. It didn’t mean that he wanted to do it, though. How did one go about telling someone else about their past life? And oh yeah, by the way, I also happen to be a very old, very powerful warlock? Yeah, _no_. Much as Alec wanted to tell her, and as much as she deserved to know, that didn’t make the whole idea of it any easier.

“I will,” he finally settled on saying. Because he _would_. Not just because she deserved to know, but because Alec had his suspicions that some things in their past were going to make a repeat in the present, and if that were the case, Isabelle would need all the love and support they could offer her. Not secrets and lies.

That was one of the biggest mistakes they’d all made with Morgana last time. They’d left her alone without anyone she felt she could rely on. They’d isolated her – he and Gaius. Alec hadn’t helped her when she’d needed him. He hadn’t trusted her and given her someone she felt she could trust in return. Instead, all Alec had offered her was betrayal, so sure as he did that it’d been the right thing to do.

That wasn’t something he could do to Isabelle. He would tell her the truth. He just wasn’t quite sure _when_.

Besides, he knew he was lucky she hadn’t already asked him about what was going on. No doubt she had questions. More so now that she’d seen this strange memory of two men she wouldn’t recognize. Isabelle had to be wondering who they were and why one of them was the person Alec loved the most. If he didn’t come to her to talk about it, eventually she was going to corner him and try to get her answers.

Jace twisted a little in the bed, moving to shift up and lean back against the headboard. He didn’t say anything about Alec's answer.

Though it wasn’t easy, Alec moved as well, wincing a little as he did. While sleep had definitely helped, his body was still recovering, and it wasn’t happy that he was already trying to move. Magical depletion this deep sort of felt like getting beaten into the ground by a shax demon, then stomped on a few times. Or like spending a day playing practice dummy for a bunch of knights who thought they were funny.

As Alec settled in at Jace’s side, he caught the worried look his brother shot him. But Alec didn’t give him a chance to voice anything. He beat him to the punch, asking “Are you okay?”

Jace’s eyebrows shot up. “Shouldn’t I be asking you that? You’re the one that passed out!”

“Yeah, but you were the one acting a bit off from the minute you showed up at Magnus’.”

“I didn’t…” Jace paused, and Alec watched as he grimaced, clearly unhappy with his words. His eyes darted off toward the bedroom door, and there was that faint pout to his lips that he always got when he was thinking hard. One that, at one time, would’ve had Alec looking away for fear of where his thoughts would go.

Now, Alec watched him and waited. Though his body ached, he stayed where he was and watched Jace’s face, trying to read both him and the bond. The pain of being upright didn’t matter. There was no room for anything but worry.

With the way Jace as staring off into the distance, it was almost like he was trying to stare through the walls at something that wasn’t there. For a second Alec thought that maybe Jace was going to say something about Clary. That he was staring off toward where she might be. What he came out with instead wasn’t at all what Alec had been expecting. “I remember my other life. More than I did at the start. I know who he was, and who he became to me, but that’s not him anymore, you know? I didn’t expect to, to feel anything when I… when I saw him.”

Oh. _Oh_. Alec tried not to let his surprise show on his face. He hadn’t expected that either. As far as Alec knew, most of Jace’s memories of being Gwaine, they seemed to be sort of vague. He could recall them if he thought about them, or if something triggered them, but he was _Jace_ more than he was _Gwaine_. Alec hadn’t expected him to respond to seeing Magnus. Nor had he realized that Jace’s memories had gotten stronger.

Jace huffed a little and rubbed at the back of his neck, his eyes dropping down and away. “It’s not a big deal. It’s just weird, that’s all.”

“It's understandable,” Alec tried to soothe him. The more he thought about it, the more he realized that this was something he should’ve already thought about. “You... I mean, most people don't have their memories of their past lives. Even Catarina only has like, a vague sense of her old life. She's lived her new one long enough that those memories easily override her old ones. But you, your life as Gwaine was longer than your current life as Jace, and… well, you're connected to me. You got your memories back by the same magic that gave me mine back. It'd make sense that they brought yours back strong.”

Alec wasn't too surprised when Jace shrugged those words off. He seemed to prefer to just go around not really thinking too much about his past and present memories. From the very first moment he'd had more acceptance than Alec had. Though he'd remembered less back at the start.

Then again, Jace always had been the type to just roll with the punches and keep on going. Both in this life and in the last one. Alec was the one who was the thinker (sometimes _over_ -thinker, according to his loved ones), the planner, the one who looked at things from every angle and picked them apart. It was part of what made the two of them such a good team together.

Jace laid his head back against the wall and rolled it so that he could look at Alec once more. Whatever he'd been feeling about Magnus was pushed back for now. In its place was the same concern he'd been broadcasting earlier. The one that had sat underneath everything this entire time. “What happened, Alec?”

There was no need to ask what he meant. Alec sighed, and he laid his own head back as well, though he chose to stare out over his bedroom instead of meeting Jace's eyes. This whole thing would be easier if he didn't have to look at the other man while he said it. “I don't know. I…You're not the only one who felt more than they expected.”

The words were a big admission for Alec. He didn't talk about himself like this. He didn't talk about his feelings.

Jace's shoulder pressed in against his. “He doesn't remember.”

Leave it to Jace to brush past all the other things, the magic depletion and everything else that had gone on, and go right to the core of things. He picked up one of the things that hurt the most even if Alec wasn't quite ready to admit that even to himself. With it said out loud like that, there was no hiding from it. The pain he’d been trying so hard to ignore washed over Alec. It built together in a lump in his throat that he couldn’t push away. Because of that his low “yeah” came out with a heavy rasp to it.

“I'm sorry.”

Alec couldn’t bring himself to say it was okay, because it wasn't. “I'm used to it.” That was more accurate. He _was_ used to it. Used to the aching sense of pain that built inside of him each time he found Arthur in a new life – each time the man looked at him without any sense of recognition in his eyes.

“Are you...?”

Before Jace could finish his question, Alec shook his head. “No.” He knew what Jace was going to ask and there was no way in hell that Alec was going to sit down and tell Magnus any of this stuff.

“Why not?” Jace asked.

“Why should I?” Twisting, Alec shot him an incredulous look. “This isn’t the same as telling Izzy. This is… telling you, telling Izzy, that’s different. I don’t…” He cut himself off and shook his head. “Even if I wanted to, I doubt fate would allow me. If he’s meant to remember, fate will find a way to make it so.”

Destiny had a way of asserting itself whether Alec wanted it to or not. Each life passed, and each time they met, Alec never told his secrets, and Arthur never remembered. He’d always firmly believed that fate, destiny, whatever it was out there, that it would take care of things and let them all know when it was time for Arthur to remember.

The sympathy on Jace’s face was almost too much for Alec to handle. He couldn’t just sit there under that look. Though it pained him to do so, Alec pushed himself up on the bed and began the process of trying to get his legs off the bed and to the ground. He wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep, he knew, no matter how much his body might need it, and he couldn’t sit here and continue talking about this. Not if he wanted to maintain any sort of control. That left only one safe thing for him – work.

The soft wince Alec gave as he moved unfortunately wasn't missed. Jace's brow furrowed down again, and he watched Alec carefully while Alec rose from the bed. “Are you gonna be okay?”

“I'll be fine,” Alec said. This time, the lie came easily to his lips. “The spell just drained me a little, that's all. I wasn’t as prepared for it as I should've been.”

The room was blessedly quiet while Alec steadied himself on his feet. Jace didn’t say anything for a long moment. Long enough that Alec was sure he wasn’t _going_ to say anything. Only, his brother just waited, allowing Alec to shuffle across the room to the armoire. He at least allowed Alec the cover of opening the doors and being hidden behind them before he quietly asked, “Magnus knows, doesn't he?”

Alec's hand stuttered on its way to a fresh pair of pants. He held there for a moment, staring blankly at the hanger. Then he breathed out a soft sigh and grabbed the jeans. “Yeah.”

When Alec turned back around, tossing the jeans and a fresh shirt over a nearby chair, he found Jace sitting up cross legged in the middle of the bed. The seriousness had faded off of his face a little. What was there now was lighter, and just a bit teasing. A tone which had Alec unconsciously relaxing. It meant Jace was done with the more serious aspect of this. He might keep asking questions, but they would likely be lighter.

“Did you tell him?” Jace asked curiously.

Alec grimaced. He braced himself on the chair and stripped off his shirt for the fresh one. A shower could be had later, when he felt less like he was going to fall over. He didn’t smell like sweat or anything like that. If he had, there was no way Isabelle would’ve cuddled up to his chest like that. Which left him wondering if maybe Magnus had cleaned him up a little before he’d portaled the others back here. _Just another thing I’ll owe him for._

He realized abruptly that he hadn’t answered Jace’s question. “No, I didn’t tell him. Not really.” At the questioning look Jace gave him, a soft blush colored Alec's cheeks. He knew he was about to get laughed at for this next part. He deliberately turned away so that he wouldn't have to look at Jace's face as he told him, “I sort of... accidentally used magic in front of him.”

The room fell silent for a single breath. Alec closed his eyes and waited for the laughter he knew was coming. He wasn’t disappointed.

“Of-fucking-course you did. By the angel, Alec.” Jace laughed, low and easy, and even though it was at Alec's expense it had him wanting to smile. When he turned, he found Jace grinning at him. “Only you would out yourself within minutes of meeting the guy.”

“In my defense, it's not like any of you ever noticed in the past!”

Jace's laughter was louder this time. A bright, boisterous thing that echoed down their bond. Alec gave up trying to hide his own smile and grinned openly.

“You’re not wrong,” Jace conceded, still grinning. “Guessing we’re making up for it this time around. Or you’re less sneaky than you used to be, old man.”

The insult shocked Alec enough that he almost stumbled through pulling off his pants. “Hey!”

Tired though he was, the jeans he threw still managed to hit Jace right in the face.

* * *

Despite the fun note that things ended on back in his bedroom, life quickly reasserted itself for Alec once he left his rooms. He had no chance to give in to the exhaustion that clung to him. One of Catarina’s disgusting potions helped. A little. But Alec still found himself dragging as he went through the usual daily routines.

He’d slept the morning away, and he’d missed his wine date with Catarina, which prompted a few texts that rather creatively let him know he was in trouble and what exactly he owed her for bailing on her without a word. Alec sent off a few of his own in return. When all he got back was a string of knife emojis, he laughed and went on with his day.

Being that a shadowhunters job primarily took place at night, they were a mostly nocturnal group, with the morning and early afternoon hours kept for sleeping, depending on when someone’s shift was. There was always a crew working. It was just that they kept a lighter crew during daylight hours.

For Alec, his hours ran a bit longer. Too long, if you asked his siblings. He used the late afternoon hours to take care of all the paperwork that would otherwise bog him down. Something he’d been doing since long before he’d taken over as Acting Head of this place. A workout was usually thrown in there, sometimes before the paperwork, sometimes after. Then, a brief break for dinner, something which Isabelle wasn’t afraid to drag him to if absolutely necessary, after which he’d deal with any personnel issues, as that was the time that everyone else was generally awake.

From there it was patrols, monitor duty, training again, a pause for lunch, and then back to his office for a while before bed.

Today there were a few extra things that Alec had to add to the mix. He had more than just the normal paperwork to do. He had to get the paperwork in for their mission last night and see about getting it all approved by the Clave. No doubt they were going to be happy at just the suggestion that Clary might have something important in her memories to share with them. Which meant they’d likely process the payment request for Magnus that Alec was submitting.

It didn’t matter that Magnus had suggested a _date_ as payment. That was mostly just an excuse for Magnus to grill him, Alec knew. He’d go to it, and he’d do his best to figure out a way to talk around what he needed to talk around, but he was also going to make sure that Magnus was still paid properly for his services.

Of course, on the flip side of that was the fact that the Clave would be markedly _less_ pleased if they got nothing out of this endeavor.

Once the approval came through, Alec sent off a fire message to Magnus to arrange for the pickup of his payment, and to arrange a time for the second half of it.

He was surprised a moment later when his phone began to ring. More so when he pulled it out and saw a number he didn’t recognize there. Alec hesitated for a second. Then he pressed the answer button, followed by the speakerphone. “Hello?”

“ _Alexander_!” Magnus’ warm voice filled the room almost as if he were standing right there with Alec. It was crisp and clear in a way that phone calls usually weren’t, and Alec would wonder later if maybe Magnus had done something to his phone to make it that way. At the moment he was too busy staring in surprise at his phone while Magnus continued to talk. “ _I hope you don’t mind me calling you instead of sending a fire message back. I just figured it’d be easier to discuss details over the phone._ ”

Alec had to force himself to swallow, _twice_ , before he could get his voice to come out without sounding like he’d been strangled. “Uh, no. I mean, that’s fine. Of course that’s fine.”

He swore he could _hear_ the grin in Magnus’ voice. “ _Wonderful. I confess, I’m a bit surprised at the promptness of your message. I didn’t expect to hear from you for a few days.”_ _If at all_ , was the silent message tacked on to the end there.

“We have a deal,” Alec said. Little though he might like the idea – _he loved it, far too much for his own peace of mind –_ he wasn’t the type to ignore something just because it was hard. Not usually, at least.

“ _Indeed we do. Still, at the very least I thought it might take you a few days. I certainly didn’t expect to hear from you now. Or for you to even be awake quite yet.”_

Alec's eyes darted up toward his office door at that. He hesitated, thinking of just how often an emergency could have someone barging in here, or how often his siblings would let themselves in without even bothering to knock. “Just a moment.” In seconds he was up and across the room. He pulled his stele out and activated the runes he kept hidden on the door frame. The ones that would absolutely guarantee him privacy. Then he locked the door.

Normally he’d add his own wards, just in case, but he wasn’t stupid enough to even begin to attempt that at the moment. Not with as tired as he was.

He made his way back over to his desk and slipped his stele back into its holder before sitting down. “My apologies,” he said politely, settling in as he went.

“ _No, no_ ,” Magnus quickly interjected. “ _You have my apologies, Alexander. I should’ve checked with you before I started speaking of things that were clearly private._ ”

Alec blinked a few times while looking down at the phone on his desk. That hadn’t been the response he’d expected.

Thankfully, Magnus kept on going, not waiting for Alec to respond to that. “ _May I assume that you’re somewhere private now, darling?”_

The way that word rolled down Alec's spine had him shivering. He was grateful there was no one around to see his reaction. “I am.”

“ _Wonderful. Though perhaps we might save some of the more sensitive topics for a more private venue. I was thinking… drinks, my place, tonight?”_

For all that Arthur had his more charming moments, one thing that Alec could honestly say about the man was that he hadn’t had any idea how to do any sort of initial flirtation. He’d been far too used to having things handed to him to really know well how to actively pursue someone. Even Gwen had been someone who he’d been lost in his efforts to pursue. It’d only been made more difficult by the difference in their stations and the impossibility of their romance. At least in the early stages.

Alec realized he’d been half expecting something like that. A bit blunt, maybe, but still perhaps awkward or unsure. Demanding, even. Or a mix of all of the above. But Magnus was none of that. He was calm, sure, and smooth in a way that Alec wasn’t sure how to deal with.

All of his memories were either of Arthur, or of his own illicit romances with men in times where that hadn’t been accepted. Where any word of what they were doing was enough to get them killed. Alec hadn’t realized how much he was letting that color his present. How much he was letting his memories of Arthur bleed over into his interaction with Magnus.

This right here was a stark reminder that, while it might be the same soul, that didn’t mean everything about them was going to be the same. Magnus’ life had shaped him and his personality. His experiences were different, and they’d made him into a different man.

That realization struck Alec hard.

“ _Alexander?_ ”

Realizing that he hadn’t yet answered, Alec cleared his throat. “I um… yeah. Yeah. That’d be nice.”

“ _Wonderful! I assume you shadowhunters run on a rather different schedule than most, so whatever time works for you, just swing on by. I’ll be home until close to midnight.”_

“I’ll do that.”

It wasn’t until after they hung up that Alec remembered – he had no idea where Magnus actually lived. Whatever address the Clave had on file was likely going to be wrong. Magnus had moved the loft while Alec was with him. Where he’d sent it was anyone’s guess. Alec could remember some of the scenery he’d seen out the window, but only enough to place Magnus in Brooklyn. Beyond that, he had no idea where the man’s home was.

His phone chimed a second later. When Alec looked down, he found he had a text from the same number. It consisted of just an address and a winking emoji.

Alec stared down at that emoji for a moment. He hated the blush he could feel warming his cheeks.

Behind the safety of the privacy runes and a locked door, he felt free to lower his head down and press his forehead into his hands, his elbows resting on the desktop. He indulged himself in a low groan. What the hell was he getting himself into here? What was he _doing_?

Twenty-four hours ago he’d swore he was going to have nothing to do with Magnus Bane. Even with Clary popping up – Lancelot – Alec had refused to even think about the idea that he was going to have to be around Magnus at some point. After all, life was different this time, wasn’t it? They were in the wrong places, the wrong roles. This clearly couldn’t be the time that destiny wanted to bring them together. Not when Alec had fucked up and put them in this situation. So why should he torture himself with being around the person he wanted more than anything – and who had never really wanted him?

Only… that didn’t seem to be the case this time, did it? After all, Magnus had _flirted_ with him. He’d called him _darling_ and _pretty boy_ , and yeah, maybe that was just how he talked. Maybe that was just him being a natural flirt. And maybe this whole date thing was just a chance for him to privately grill Alec about how a shadowhunter ended up with magic.

But what if it wasn’t?

Alec pushed the heels of his hands hard against his eyes. Then he ran his hands upward, into his hair, so he could tug at it a little.

He hated this. Hated the parts of him that wanted nothing more than to take whatever bits Magnus had to offer. Something, even just a little something, was better than nothing, wasn’t it? Better than years and years and _years_ of being alone. What harm was there, after all, in going on this date and seeing what happened?

The harm, Alec knew, was to him. This was going to hurt him so much. To be taunted with something he wanted, something he _ached_ for yet knew he couldn’t have? It would be the worst kind of torture.

But would he really even get a choice? Fate had already thrown them together. Alec had been caught in her clutches enough times to recognize the feel. Something deep inside told him that he wasn’t going to be able to get away with ignoring Magnus. If he tried, there was no telling what way she might throw them together again. It might not be anywhere near as kind as this time had been.

Still, though fate may toss them in one another’s paths, it didn’t mean Alec had to set himself up to be hurt any more than he was already going to be.

He could go on this pretend little _date_ and let Magnus grill him. He’d have to figure out what to tell the other man without giving away _too much_. Then, once it was said and done, he could maybe cultivate some kind of working relationship out of it. After all, Alec had plans for the future of the shadow world. Ones that would involve working closely with the Downworlder leaders. If he wanted to accomplish that, a working relationship with the High Warlock would only help him.

He could do this. Alec had been this man’s friend before. Many different times, over many different lifetimes. He could do that again. Even if it hurt – even if it finally broke him this time – he could do it.

Then later, when they weren’t in the middle of a crisis, when Alec finally got to see whatever it was fate had in store for them and dealt with it, then he could take the time to figure out what he could do for himself. Some way to fix this. Because clearly, his last plan hadn’t worked. And if Alec did this, if he let himself get caught up in this, there had to be some sort of end plan. Or he might actually, finally, go insane.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading - be sure to let me know what you think!
> 
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